About 1.5 months ago I had a surfing accident that left a scar on my face.

It is about 1 inch long on my cheek. It didn’t heel as I would have liked, it left an indentation on my face that is quite noticeable.

I have been doing a lot of work to overcome this.  Facial scars are different than most other scars because everyone who you see, who knows you asks  what happened.

In this respect it is difficult at first, because it makes you feel “scarred”. Because I have a respect and passion for portraits and facial symmetry it has made me feel “ugly”. I had a hard time looking at people in their eyes at first. This is something I have been working on.

My Worst Fears

This trip has been a jump in the deep end when it comes to overcoming my worst fears.

Sitting close to people on the bus, making conversation in close contact, harsh overhead light, bathroom mirrors. Many of these concerns go right along with a diagnosis of body dysmorphic disorder and I wonder if I actually have a problem.

But part of this is the fact that I have a scar, and it is something real, that I must accept.

I am not a model, as far as my life is concerned a facial scar should not change anything.  But this does not matter.  I mentioned a quote earlier by Henry David Thoreau:

It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.

This is true in life and with appearance concerns.

I have not talked about this much with anyone because of shame I feel regarding the scar and the way it makes me feel.

But the only way to move on through life is by acceptance.

My dad had mentioned that I was going through Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ 5 stages of grief

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

1. Denial: I had convinced myself that even after taking a board to my face and 9 stitches that my scar would be barely noticeable once it healed.
2. Anger: I was mad at myself for “letting” an accident happen.
3. Bargaining: I did ask God several times for healing, but I am not sure if this counts.
4. Depression: My current state… I still feel sad most days. It is not apparent even to myself, but I am still performing many rituals, routines, checking and episodes of self loathing. I have to force myself to be around people even though I want to be.
5. Acceptance: This is where I will be. I don’t know how long it will take but I will get there… God willing.

I have thought a lot about this over the last week and have been working through a self image book. I haven’t done the exercises like I need too. Although one in particular helped. That was identifying my fears regarding my scar, writing down my predictions for a feared situation and then afterwards talking about whether they came true.

Luckily this trip has forced me out of my comfort zone. I had no choice but to go through the exposure practice, most of this I probably would not have done were it not for my fortunate circumstances. When I saw that people reacted to me the same, it was proof that my thinking was erroneous.

The problem with poor body image, and maybe even BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) is that to convince oneself of this is usually temporary.

Coming Back Home

Going home I have a lot of fear, mostly it comes down to having to see people and have them look at my scar. And then I have to answer questions about it. Have people critique it.

When you have body image concerns the problem is that you tend to place to much value on appearance. I don’t do this to others, it is something I only do to myself. Therefore when people critique my scar it is as if they critique me as a human being. It is the same reason I fear public speaking.

Acceptance

I wish it were easy, I wish I could wake up tomorrow and find this magic place.  I don’t know why I ended up with this facial scar, it may have been merely chance. It’s also quite possible I am making way to much out of it… But I an tell you one thing, like all challenges it has made me a more compassionate human being.

Things may or may not happen for a reason, I often think they don’t, but I will need to take my own medicine here and listen to my gut. The one that says we are beautiful for who we are as people, the way I look at people, if I can grab hold of this I will be able to look at my own reflection and smile.

A reminder that the problem is much more than only skin deep!