While some think spanking is cruel and unusual punishment and should never be used because it tells your child it’s okay to hit someone, I believe spanking should be one of a number of punishments in a parent’s arsenal.

I only spanked my children two or three times in their lives. I never once hit them in anger. So if you continue to believe that spanking should be part of your disciplining strategy, do it rarely and never spank them when you’re angry. If you do, then you are teaching them to hit others when they are angry. Remember, we always teach by example. Refer to the poem in my first post.  Setting the Example

A Spanking Story

I learned this from my father. He only spanked my brother and me a few times, but he was rational and treated us like adults in the process. He never spanked us in anger.

If my father told us we’d get a spanking for something and we did it, the conversation would go something like this.

He’d ask, “Didn’t I tell you that if you broke this rule you were going to get a spanking?

“Yeah.”

“So you deserve a spanking, right?”

“No”

“Well, that’s too bad because that was our agreement. Right!”

“I guess so.”

“Are you ready for your spanking?”

“No”

“You knew the consequences, right.

“Yeah.”

“Okay, get over here.”

I’d reluctantly get on his lap and take my spanking. Even as a kid, I knew my dad had made a contract with me and if I didn’t live ups to my side, I’d get a spanking. I never resented or was angry with my dad for spanking me.

A Slapping Story

My mother, on the other hand, often slapped me when she was mad. She did that until I was in the 7th grade and grabbed her wrist when she went to slap me. She said, “I guess I’ll have to find another way of disciplining you. You’re grounded.” My mother and I always had a rocky relationship. I’m not saying it was the slapping in anger, but it made us adversaries. This wasn’t true of my relationship with my dad.

The Smorgasbord Approach

Like I said, I believe spanking should only be used rarely, but it should be an option. I believe in the smorgasbord approach. I had three or four different punishments which I rotated. Notice that in each case the child is given a choice. These are not listed in any order of importance and are used here as examples of various approaches to discipline:

1. Take something away: If you don’t clean it up, you can’t have desert. What do you want to do. OR If you don’t clean it up, you can’t use the computer. What do you want to do?
2. Spanking: You can clean it up or take a spanking. What do you want to do?  
3. Reward them: If you clean it up, you can watch an extra 15 minutes of television. What do you want to do? OR If you clean it up, you can stay up 30 minutes later. What do you want to do?  
4. Timeout:You can clean it up or stand in the corner, sit on the floor, sit at the table for 15 minutes. What do you want to do?

The spanking option was rarely used, but its nice to have it in your arsenal. For example, my children, who were 10 and 12, did something I asked them not to do. My first inclination was to spank them, but instead I gave them a choice. “would you rather have a spanking or not have desert?” I was surprised when they chose a spanking. Their logic, it only lasts a few seconds and it doesn’t hurt for long. It was a win/win. Plus it was something they chose and not something I chose for them.

Of course this sounds good on paper, but what happens if you try all of these and they refuse to make a decision? That can happen. Sometimes kids are very good at outsmarting us. Take a breath and pause while you think. In fact, tell them you’ll have to think about it for a minute. But don’t let them out of your sight. Have them sit in a chair or at the table and watch you think. This builds tension and may scare them into cleaning it up. Best of all, it allows you time to use your own imagination. Then use your own idea or the Big Number 5. Do it yourself: OK, I’m going to clean it up, but it means you won’t be able to watch TV, play games,use the computer etc. At this point consider making this punishment last for two or three days.

If you do it yourself, follow the advice I gave in the previous post. Don’t let them out of your sight. make them watch you clean it up. Keep them close. If you choose not to let them watch TV, put them where you can see them, but where they can’t see the TV.

While you watch TV, make sure you have desert and let them sit there for the evening. Don’t give in. They love to test us. Like I said in my previous post. Stay engaged. Once they see you’re serious, the next time this happens, you won’t have much trouble because they know you mean business. The secret is to set the tone for future occurrences. That’s why the first time you do this, it’s important you stay committed. You need to be determined because kids will continually test our resolve, but the first time is most critical. If you give in the first time, they know you’re an easy mark and your future is in their hands.

I don’t believe sending them to bed early is a good idea because they are getting a reprieve. Surprise them. On occasion, do something unexpected. You might make them stay up a bit longer than usual, but don’t let them watch TV or use the computer. Make them sit where you can see them (dining room table or card table) and read, do their homework, or some other project.

There’s one thing I must mention here, its important to do these things when children are young. You can still do it when they’re older, but no one spanks a 16 year old except abusers. These techniques will work with older children, but they are more likely to get up and walk off on you. We’ll discuss this in the next blog.