There’s been a lot said about bullying, bullies, and the bullied recently, so I hope I’m writing something a little different.  I’ve offered a number of suggestions for you to analyze and decide if it will work in your situation.

I was bullied as a kid.  Sometimes kids who are bullied become bullies themselves.  Just like children who are abused become abusers themselves. Remember you set the example. I wrote about a bullying incident that actually happened to me in my book, A Warrior’s Son.  Click bullying incident to read the scene.

Keep in mind that bullies are cowards because they always pick on the weak kids so the best solution to prevent your child from being bullied is to do things with your son or daughter that makes them confident so no one bullies them in the first place.

I played basketball with my kids, took them hiking, camping, and fishing.  All these things made them think they can do more than they thought and gives them confidence.  But I must note that our daughter played on the basketball team in the 7th and 8th grade, and while the kids on the team were generally nice to her, they still often said things than hurt her.  But she had a toughness in her that got her through it.  There’s no other explanation because my wife and I had no idea how bad it was and how bad she felt.  This is often true because our kids won’t tell us what’s going on.  They’re ashamed or afraid we’ll go talk to the teacher or the parent and make it worse.

 

I was a teacher for 32 years and believe the responsibility for stopping bullying is the school’s.  Teachers and administrators are in the best position to see incidents of bullying.  If bullying is going on and they’re unaware of it, then they need to make finding and stopping bullies one of their priorities.  Let the school know your son or daughter is being bullied and that you don’t want the school to mention your son or daughter by name while they develop their anti-bullying policy.  Tell them you want incidents of bullying to stop because you know your child isn’t the only one being bullied.  This protects your son or daughter from retaliation.  It’s the responsibility of the school to take action.  If they don’t, I’d find parents whose kids have experienced bullying, go to the school board, and threaten to sue them if they don’t do something about it.

I often thought the best thing a kid could do (and in some rare cases might the best idea) if he was being bullied was to rise up, kick the bully in the balls, and then let fists fly.  It might be a short won victory because the bully will probably kick his butt, but he’ll think twice before he ever bothers that kid again when there are so many others who won’t fight back.  If it’s a girl, maybe a hard slap in the face might be just what the female bully needs.  I don’t believe violence is the best answer and neither will the school, but one time I fought back when a kid was bullying me in elementary school, and even though I got punished, my mother told me the teacher probably respected me for fighting back.  That kid didn’t bother me again.  Of course, if knives or guns exist at your kid’s school, it’s better to walk away.

You’ll notice in the short excerpt from my book that I beat the bullies with cleverness.  That method might not always work, but it did for me.

There are two common suggestions for handling bullies in the early grades:  First, be nice to the bully.  Say hello when you see them.  Be friendly.  Invite them to your house.  At first they will be suspicious and wonder what you’re up to.  But you have to remember, bullies are that way because something is very wrong in their life.  Kids often follow them because they respect what comes off as toughness, when they are cowards and need of a true friend deep inside.  This advice might work for younger kids, but unlikely with older ones.  The bully won’t want to be seen hanging out with a kid he considers a nerd.

Second, talk to the bullies’ parents.  This may or may not work depending on whether the parents are bullies themselves.  These parents will defend their son or daughter.  In that case, your son or daughter is in the same spot they were before.

In the end, the best thing you can do is develop confidence in your son or daughter.  You can’t do this by telling them to be confident or brave or tough.  You have to do things with them that will make them that way.