Being cool and your son or daughter’s best friend is NOT the way to be a good parent or get close to your children.

Children want parents who guide them and not a friend.  That’s what kids their age are for.  You can be friendly with your child and do things with them, but you must always maintain your role as parent.

I took my children on many an RV trip, backpacking, camping, and fishing.  I played basketball, jogged, and played racquetball with them.  But at all times I was the parent.  I used these opportunities to teach my son and daughter values and skills they could use as adults.  If they misbehaved, I disciplined them.  You need to see every moment you spend with your children before they’re 18 as educational moments.  After they’re 18, you need to treat them like adults, but this doesn’t mean you cease guiding them.  Older children want our guidance, but don’t want a dogmatic tyrant.

I told both my children that they were expected to do as I said until they were 18.  They didn’t always like this, and I have to say, it was hard for me to let go when they did reach 18.  There was an incident that demonstrates the point.  My son had turned 18 and we were heading up to the University of Washington for his freshman orientation.  Of course he decided to grow a mustache and goatee.  Both of which I thought looked terrible on him.  It’s not that I’m against facial hair for some people, but in his case I didn’t.  I spent the trip driving from our home in California to Seattle giving him all the rational reasons why he should get rid of the facial hair.  He heard me say at least eight times, “You are 18 and it’s up to you what you do, but I’d like you to cut if off.”  He didn’t.  As it turns out, he was testing me, because he cut it all off the day we left for home.  He wanted to see if my promise  that he could do what he wanted when he was 18 was for real or not.

It always surprised me that my son and I seemed closer after I disciplined him.  My explanation is that by disciplining him, I was saying I loved him and cared about his future.  My daughter was less of a discipline problem.  Learning came easy to her.  In her case, I often told her that intelligence without common sense (wisdom) is not very valuable.  Because we did so many things together, there were many opportunities to help her develop common sense. She is very wise today.

I should mention that my wife and I were separated from the time Stephen was 7 and Jennifer 9.  Despite that I was actively engaged in their lives and continue to be.

Every child is different, and while I did a lot of the same activities with my son and daughter, I made allowances for the fact that they are different, not only by sex, but also by temperament and personality.  Keep this in mind.  Adjust your relationship with each of your children accordingly.  They want to be seen as individuals.

The other thing I did was to include my daughter is all the activities that might be considered boy activities.  I wanted her to be self-confident and know these things were just as available to her as to her brother.